March 17, 2005

12 a.m - 1 a.m.

Dear Megan,

I am writing you on behalf of David, a friend of mine for whom I have respect and admiration. David feels that his relationship with you has matured to the point where he would like to open up a conversation on premarital sex. I would like to offer my suggestions for why you might consider such a proposal from David.

First, David is a truly liberal 21st Century man. He is open about his sexuality and is willing to discuss it in a public debate within the context of art. He realizes that prudish attitudes towards sex only lead to repressed desires and unhealthy relationships.

David will not under any circumstance try to pressure you into a sexual relationship you are not ready for. He is willing to discuss any concerns you might have before moving into sexual stages of the relationship. And really that’s what makes him so great. He’s not going to try to make you feel guilty or do anything you aren’t comfortable with. He wants you to move at your own speed, but hopes that you are open to possibilities.

David feels that marriage is a repressive institution used as a weapon against the working class. He finds the current debate on same-sex marriage as evidence of the way marriage is used to enslave the masses, and feels that he can best express his emotions and desire for you outside of these confines.

David is a responsible guy who will always be certain to look out for your safety and health. He will always properly use condoms and other contraceptives, and never allow the heat of the moment to blind him of this responsibility.

David is fully prepared to deal with any consequences a sexual relationship might lead to. He will take special care to ensure that the bond you currently enjoy is not only preserved after you have sex but also enriched. He is fully aware of STD and pregnancy risks associated with sex and will act with caution in any sexual relationship.

David appreciates your body and finds beauty in what others might call imperfections. He sees you as a beautiful woman, but would never use you as an object or for selfish impulses.

David respects you. He does not feel superior to you in any way, and actually he is pretty sure that you are smarter than him. He feels that every moment spent in your presence opens him to the full possibilities of his own humanity. He would like to explore all such possibilities in a respectful and safe way.

David is willing to fulfill any unique fetishes you may have. If you would like David to dress in women’s clothing he would be more than willing to perform such a task and in fact would delight in the opportunity. He hopes to explore the boundaries of human pleasure with you.

And let’s not forget that David is awesome. Obviously you already know this or you wouldn’t be wasting your time with him. But take a minute to reconsider just how awesome he is. Is he just kind of awesome or super awesome? That’s what I thought.

I know that this is a lot to ingest and I encourage you to take all the time you need to think about how you feel about premarital sex (David feels this way too). This is not a decision that will come easily, but David ensures me that he will be there for you every step along the way. He also believes that if he ever does not fulfill his responsibilities to you that he would respect any decision you make to leave him.

Why might you take my advice? Well, let’s just say that I have had premarital sex (more than once) and lived to tell about it. I am living proof that premarital sex can work and can say that I have been successfully “living in sin” for years. I am sure that you can find successful strategies to make premarital sex work for you as well.

Your friend,
Chris Barr